her touch is starlight
by NeverLookBack756
Summary: Post Chapter 180 - Mikan wonders if Natsume loves her as much as he loved her four years ago, and Natsume is keen on making sure she knows he does.


**I wrote this awhile ago for Bienenstich's birthday present and realized I never posted it on here. Hope you like it!**

It wasn't just the frustration that was eating away at her, but also the self-doubt that she couldn't tell anyone about (Lord knew that none of her friends could keep secrets) and a gnawing desire that made her fingertips itch.

No matter how many times Misaki-senpai sat her down to have what she called "feminism discussions," Mikan could not help but feel like something was wrong, mostly with her. Because, sure, it was one thing to preach that _I deserve the very best!_ and _I'm strong and beautiful the way I am._ It was an entirely different thing living it.

Hotaru would've noticed it right away, but with her still missing, Mikan felt stuck. Unable to tell anyone what was really going on with her, no one to actually notice it.

The problem was simple: Mikan was somehow unsure that Natsume still loved her the same way he did when they were in elementary school.

People _constantly_ were squealing about it with her, the story of young love and fighting for each other's safety. But they were twelve! After spending four years in the "real world," Mikan figured out that it wasn't exactly _normal_ per say to fall in love for real before even the age of eighteen.

The only real solace was that her feelings hadn't changed much, but simply had gotten stronger. She was learning was real attraction was, feeling it in every part of her body like a sweet ache. Many had told her that she'd grown into a fine looking young woman, but they'd said nothing about how Natsume had only gotten more handsome with a couple years.

His face was beginning to lose almost all traces of youth left to notice. The most notable change was that he now towered over her, which he often used to his advantage to tease her. His features had gained some shape, pointing sharply instead of the round curve that had defined his chin and cheeks. Even his eyebrows had grown to fit his new size, but really, they were still shorter than average.

The only parts of him that stayed the same were his hair and his eyes. While Natsume's age had gotten older, they were still the same rich ruby color that was so good at catching the sunlight and glistening. Mikan often accidentally found herself searching his eyes for traces of orange and yellow when they glimmered in any luminescence in a way that was almost ethereal.

Needless to say, Mikan could look at her fiance all day and never tire of it. Sumire caught her staring one day and promised that it was normal - Natsume was gorgeous, and Mikan's new hormones were powerless to resist his charms.

She hated it.

She hated it because as much as Mikan could ramble on and on about all of Natsume's attributes, he acted as if she had none. This, of course, led her to believe she hadn't any.

And this was _not_ the way things were supposed to be! She'd entered high school and discovered immediately what it was like to be in a real relationship, simply by observing the behaviors and experiences of her friends.

Now that she was back at Alice Academy, she'd discovered things weren't much different.

"Koko is actually a great boyfriend!" Sumire had commented recently. This conversation happened the night of Mikan's return, when the girls insisted on having a sleepover to celebrate. "I wasn't sure at first, but Kitsu insisted I give him a chance."

"What's it like having a boyfriend?" Anna had asked, intrigued and anxious to find a boyfriend of her own. Sumire's cheeks turned the color of roses in the summer, but she could do little to keep her mouth from lifting into a grin. Mikan listened, curious to find out what her new relationship with Natsume would be like.

"He's still the same old Koko, constantly giving me a hard time and teasing me. But it's different somehow. He's gentle, and kind. He always is watching to make sure I'm happy and can tell right away when I'm not. And of course, I guess like any relationship, there's a lot of hand-holding, hugging...kissing. A lot of kissing."

Mikan's own cheeks warmed just thinking about Natsume kissing her. It had been so long that she barely remembered what it felt like. The only thing her mind could bring up was that it had felt extremely wonderful and she probably wouldn't mind it happening again. And again.

But as it turned out, Mikan's relationship with Natsume had been virtually the complete opposite of Permy and Koko, and quite frankly, she was beginning to wonder if it was a relationship at all.

So she began to test it. See if Natsume would comply when she led the first step forward.

Her first move was when the two of them sat in his room watching some new dystopian movie that was aimed to appease both the action lover in Natsume and the romance lover in Mikan.

When the movie began, the couple were sitting side by side, shoulders brushing, but not even their hands touched. Mikan bit her lip, unable to focus on the movie when his hand was so close, and all she had to do was reach out and just...

She'd gotten up halfway through to refill the popcorn and came back to find Natsume sprawled out on the cushions, back leaning against the arm of the couch. Mikan had no choice but to settle beside him, leaning her head onto his chest.

Natsume froze, but Mikan continued to surprise him by grabbing his arms and wrapping them around her. When they fell loosely across her waist, she tugged, hoping that he would tighten his embrace.

He did, but only by a fraction. Mikan was glad she was against him so he couldn't see the trace of disappointment in her eyes.

When the movie was over, Natsume made some lame comment about how it could've been better, but was alright. Then he was walking her to the door, murmuring a goodnight, and opening the door.

Mikan didn't move, and Natsume raised an eyebrow. Permy had mentioned that all dates ended with a kiss goodnight, no matter who the boyfriend.

"Is this where there's a goodnight kiss?"she asked quietly, immediately feeling ashamed after asking it. Now if he kissed her, it wouldn't be because he wanted to, but because he felt like he had to.

But he did it. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and leaned down to place peck on her cheek. Maybe the skin where he kissed her tingled, but her heart was heavy.

Ungrateful was the word she used to describe herself as she sulked back to her room. She had her memories, her friends, and Natsume back! There was no reason to feel like this.

It hurt, though. Misaki had told her that when she was hurt, it was always legitimate, that she should _never_ feel bad about feeling the way she did. So Mikan accepted it, sucked it up, and pretended like it didn't bother her.

Except the same suit followed for an entire week. Mikan and Natsume would make plans, and Natsume would skirt around her the _entire time._

They'd started holding hands more frequently, which Mikan guessed was a start, but he never talked to her when they did. It became very hard to actually enjoy the time they _were_ spending together when in her head, she was thinking about the way it should've been.

One night, Mikan was sure the tension wasn't just in her head, but had become so tangible, she could probably reach out and touch it. She'd gone to Natsume's sink, filling a cup of water simply because she needed to clear her thoughts.

"I'm going to lose my mind," Natsume mumbled to himself. Mikan swiveled around, almost spilling her water with her sharp turn.

"You're going to lose your mind, Natsume? _I'm_ the one going insane!"

She hadn't meant to snap at him, but she guessed that was what happens when you don't confront your emotions for nearly a week on end. Natsume only sits up straighter on the couch from his casual lounge. Leaning forward, he examined her from across the room.

"I know," he said. "I've noticed something was wrong, and I was hoping you would tell me what it was. Is it Hotaru?"

It had been the most he said to her in days. Tears surfaced in her eyes, but she was unsure if they were relief or frustration.

"It's not Hotaru," she said simply. "Tell me, Natsume, is there something you don't like about the new me?"

He looked like he wanted to scoff at even the idea of it, but Mikan urged him to respond by raising her eyebrows.

One thing was for sure, though. If there was something he didn't like, she certainly didn't plan on changing for him. He would have to get over it if he wanted to be with her, if he wanted to make this work. And if he didn't, well...

"What 'new you?' You haven't changed hardly at all," he answered cautiously.

"You don't," Mikan started, but her throat caught, breaking her words unintentionally. She decided to start over. "They say that communication is key to a healthy relationship, and maybe I haven't been doing enough communicating...But Natsume, this hardly feels like a relationship. This feels like you inching around me, not wanting to be near me at all."

Natsume stood at that, indifferent expression gone and replaced with something akin to shock and a little bit of fear mixed with guilt.

"I..." Natsume trailed over, clearing his throat to compose himself. "I had no idea."

Mikan could tell he wanted to say more, so she waited. After a few seconds, he continued.

"You're right that I have been inching around you, but it's not because there's anything wrong with you, or that I don't love you anymore. It's because I didn't want to put any pressure on you to do anything you didn't want to."

Mikan shifted her gaze from the ground to his burgundy eyes, and immediately knew he was telling the truth.

"What do you mean?" she asked, wanting to understand what he meant completely.

"Look, I know what those girls talk about. Being the perfect girlfriend and all that bullshit. I just didn't want to make you feel like you had to be anything that you weren't, because I love you just the way you are. And I know that it's a little scary and different, coming back to this school after being away for so long. Things have changed, and so have we. But that doesn't mean that we have to rush face first into what everyone else is doing."

Mikan bit her lip to keep it from trembling. God, why did she _always_ cry? Then again, it wasn't every day Natsume Hyuuga laid his entire heart on the table.

"I tried to set the pace, Natsume," she admitted in a low mumble.

"And I didn't want to read the signals wrong. It isn't your fault, though. I should've been paying more attention."

"I should've talked to you rather than staying upset for so long. I'm sorry."

She felt like such an _idiot._ Of course Natsume was actually thinking of her the whole time, because he _always_ put her first and he always had. Sensing this, Natsume took a few steps forward, reaching out to take her hands in his. She offered her hands with a genuine smile, relieved that they seemed to be back on track.

"And if you ever feel like that again, tell me," he murmured, eyes boring into hers. Mikan nodded, finally feeling like it was all falling into place.

The urge to hold him proved too strong, and suddenly she was in his arms, wrapped up in an embrace that made her so happy she wanted to melt. She felt him exhale in his own happiness, hot breath against her hair.

When she pulled back, they kept their arms hooked around the other's waist.

"If we're going to be honest with each other, I wanted that good night kiss I asked for. A _real_ one."

Natsume chuckled, eyes looking off to the side. "Me too."

"Can I have one now?" her voice was so timid and small, Natsume barely heard her. But even if he hadn't, her expression did all the asking. He nodded slow, a small, but warm smile gracing his lips.

She didn't wait for him to lean down, but took the reins for herself and pulled him back by his neck. Their lips crashed together, catching them both off guard. They had four years of inexperience to make up for, and in the next minute, gently learned the other.

Natsume liked to tilt his head to different sides while he kissed, making sure that he was able to taste all of her lips. Mikan seemed to like applying different pressures at different speeds, savoring the softness of his lips with a gentle brush one second, and pressing her mouth back against his in happiness the next. Together, they created a balance that was much like artwork, unique and beautiful.

When it was over, Mikan nudged him playfully and said, "Smile, you idiot." Natsume hadn't opened his eyes, but just leaned into her, trusting that they would support each other to remain standing.

Having been thoroughly kissed, though, Mikan's legs felt like overcooked ramen. And she loved it.

A few days later, Natsume called Mikan to ask her to meet him under the cherry blossom tree in front of the high school building.

She approached him. He sat with his head tilted up, eyes closed as if enjoying the gentle caress of the fall breeze.

"You better not be falling asleep on me," Mikan joked. Natsume didn't move an inch, but his lips gently curled up. He slowly opened his eyes, which filled with obvious affection upon seeing her. Patting the space beside him, Natsume reached to put something out of his pocket.

Or _somethings,_ rather. Rings. Gold and simple. Beautiful and perfect.

"We're not getting married right now, are we?" Mikan asked a little too breathlessly. Natsume shook his head, laughing a little. Taking her hand, Natsume slid the smaller of the gold bands onto her left ring finger. The movement was smooth, like it was always meant to happen. "Are you sure, because it definitely feels like it."

"Idiot, they're promise rings," he replied. Running his thumb over the ring - which fit perfectly - Natsume explained further. "People typically wear them until they're old enough to get married. It's really the normal people version of alice stones, so you can look down at it, and be reminded how much I love you."

"And how much is that?" Mikan's teary gaze flitted from the ring on her finger to the loving gaze in his eyes. Natsume thought for a moment, before leaning forward to press a kiss on her lips. Mikan leaned into it, a content sigh escaping her.

"More than the number of all the stars in the sky," he whispered against the corner of her lips. His husky tone made her fingers and toes feel like curling in embarrassment.

Giggling, Mikan took the other ring from Natsume's hand. He offered his hand for her, watching with wide, hopeful eyes as she slid the ring onto his finger. Pulling his palm to her lips, Mikan replied, "And I love you more than all the full moons in the universe."

"Silly, they're all full moons."

"Exactly!"

Maybe a few days ago Mikan had worried about an assortment of things, all regarding the legitimacy of their love. Now, it all seemed so stupid.

Yes, they were young.

Yes, their situation was strange, complicated, and a little hard at times.

But no, they never planned on letting it slip away.


End file.
